Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine