My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
*offers Batman cough drops*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…