*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Okey dokey.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…