Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
#parenting
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.