“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
this is the most humiliating day of my life
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
road rage
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.