[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Spell check is for lasers.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.