How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:![]()
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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