How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.