Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Donating blood today to make room for more food