Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
You learn something every day
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
They did not miss in the small print
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.