Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
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My life coach traded me.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.