Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Our lord and savoury.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I need to update my racial profile.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.