Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.