It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”