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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward