How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.