I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.