Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’