My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
