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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

I enjoy a good short stor

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.