@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

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@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@GrrrRach

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

@donnie_fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@Ms_JCplus4

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

@sweetmissashley

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.