My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”