As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
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Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Generation gap…
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video