Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
You Might Also Like
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Pigeon open mic night.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
another case of gang violins
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.