*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
You Might Also Like
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Doggies just call it style.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.