Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
#CoronaOutbreak
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud