I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
You Might Also Like
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans