even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd