just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
felt that
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Mad Max: Furry Road
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.