Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
We’re all getting idioter.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS