PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
the greatest twitter interaction
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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