Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit