Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You Might Also Like
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
☺️