Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.