My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.