My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You’ll be OK
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.