The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.