[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
You Might Also Like
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting