A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay