My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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Don’t make me out nice you.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
why does this building look like a guilty dog
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”