Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.