this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.