Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.