@H0TMessBarbie

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

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@Swishergirl24

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

@UncleDuke1969

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

@LackOfShame

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

@Jermaine1st

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

@jwoodham

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.