I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
TRAIN’S HERE
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.