I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”


Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.


Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”


I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created


Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁


The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.