@Swishergirl24 So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
@H0TMessBarbie I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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@Swishergirl24 
@PRESTONinCOLOR Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
@BKLYNBeeyotch Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
@UncleDuke1969 Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
@LackOfShame Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
@AaronFullerton *God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
@DandyTruman Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
@Jermaine1st I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
@radtoria Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
@jwoodham The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.