I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.