Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.