When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.