People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
You Might Also Like
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
This is a whole mood;
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I think I’m having a stroke
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Cardio Made Easy
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.