[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
You Might Also Like
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss: