STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick