Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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Me irl
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now