Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal