To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy