Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
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This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.