We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
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If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.